Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Not feeling like it huh?

Let me  ask you 3 questions:
1. Are you exercising regularly?
2. Are you eating well? 
3. Are you thinking good things?

No, no and no? Oh no.
Even 1 ‘no’ will be effecting your libido.

The truth is, whilst hormones, stress and relationship issues may be adding to the problem you can’t blame them entirely for your lack of ‘intimacy interest’. This is because if you’re not looking after yourself you’re most likely to be suffering from poor self image/self esteem. Ba – bowww. Low libido.

Regular exercise, a light well balanced diet and some good ole positive thinking will have a HUGE impact on your libido and when that is firing the world is an completly different place (or so it seems!).

So, the plan is: Exercise, eat well, think good things, TV off and early to bed!
If nothing else, you’ll feel healthier and more confident to deal with any other contributing factors. 

PS. This is a very common area of anxiety amongst busy urban people and I am completley comfortable talking about it so don’t hesitate to get in touch if it’s weighing on your mind.

I love Christmas carols. One of my favourites is ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ - it’s about what someones ’true love’ gave to them every day for 2 weeks before the big day itself. 
I can’t say I know many people who would want a ‘partridge in a pear tree’ from their true love these days but I reckon there’s a few girls who would greatly appreciate the ’5 gold rings’! 

This carol got me thinking about what ’true love’ really benefits most from so here are 12 things which I believe demonstrate respect and honour for your true love’  – not just 12 days before Christmas but every single day of every single year.

1. Intend to learn about your true love more everyday so that you may understand them better

2. Focus on their positive traits, after all, this is the reason you fell in love with them in the first place

3. Respect and support their ’tricky traits’ (everyone has them – even you!)

4. Be encouraging  - avoid being critical

5. Tell them you love them and why  – regularly. 

6. Commit to ’self improvement’ and know that it will double up as ’relationship improvement’.

7. Do something special for your true love at least once a quarter. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune – it’s about thought and effort. 

8. Look after yourself. Your health and well-being is critical to being able to contribute to ‘true love’ itself.

9.  Have short and long term plans with your true love – projects, holidays, goals and visions.

10. Learn how to manage your own anxieties and insecurities. Your true love does need to understand them but it’s your job to manage them. 

11. Talk and listen. Openly, honestly and lovingly.   

12. Nurture intimacy. It’s a vital to keeping the flame between you and your true love burning 

 
True love is possible for everybody – it’s your approach to it which makes it happen. 

Think good things.

PS. Did you see my video interview with the heavenly and dynamic Flip Shelton?  Watch it now!

Ok, settle down…I’m not suggesting people over 40 don’t feel frisky because I’m certain most do most of the time and I’m raucously ‘whoo-hoo-ing’ for them as I write.

This post is for those who might just need a little pep-up in the frisky department, be it now or at some other flat and/or forlorn time of life. 

First, let me give you my definition of frisky;  feeling confident and flirtatious (in a fun way rather than a sexy way) as you engage with people throughout the day, the feeling of bouncing along and smiling at life.

Now, let’s talk strategy in simple terms:-

1. Exercise
If you exercise regularly I PROMISE you will begin to feel the murmur of friskiness. Exercise releases all sorts of lovely endorphins which will switch on the frisky button in your brain. Just like a big swimming pool, it will take a little while to get heat up and must remain switched on for your continued enjoyment.

2. Eat Well
If you eat a fresh light nutritious meal you ‘ll feel fresh, light and probably frisky enough to want to curl up with another human being. On the other hand – if you eat a colourless stodgy meal from a box or packet you feel like curling up with another colourless stodgy meal from a box or packet. Any arguments on this one are most welcome!! 

3. Think Good Things
Think things that serve you well; that keep you exercising and eating well everyday, that keep you believing that you are attractive, smart and lovable, that remind you that everyone has tricky traits and that above all,  that feeling frisky over 40 is all about choice – you can either choose to life a life that will foster friskiness or not…

Don’t miss out my friend, it’s far too much fun!!

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Recently, over a chilled bottle of pinot gris, my man’s best mate Shayne and I were talking about the difference between men and women and he gave me this analogy  –  “When men see a coz lettuce women see a Caesar salad” 

 I love it! It is is THE best analogy I’ve heard by a mile because it succinctly explains that (most) men see things in the simplest form, and (most) women see things in their complex form – and this is the way it will always be – it is how each gender naturally functions.

Why on earth we continue to challenge these differences stumps me. A) because it is genetically unchangeable and B) because these differences provide balance in the world and in relationships at large; it means that all bases are covered, it means that both the small and big picture gets considered, it means that we can enjoy a beautiful salad just by adding a few things to a coz lettuce!

Since having this chat with Shayne I’ve been re-reading John Gray’s ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ and here are a few golden one liners from it which you may need to take  on board if you’re a woman trying to make your man a Venetian or a man trying to make your woman a Martian:

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.

A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman’s primary love needs and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved.

Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman’s feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly.

Most couples start arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing. 

It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support.

When a woman is on the upswing she can be fulfilled with what she has. But on the downswing she then will become aware of what she is missing.

It is a paradox: because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface. When they surface you become afraid and are unable to share what you feel.

There are many more helpful bits in his book and there are many more books on this topic (Allan & Barbara Pease wrote a cracker called ’Why men don’t listen & women can’t read maps)  so be sure to follow it up if you know you need to.

BOTTOM LINE: To be successful in relationships we must accept and understand the differences; ie. every coz lettuce has the ability to be made in to a Caesar salad and that is not a bad thing (unless you dislike Caesar salad of course!) Respect each other and smile at each other everyday and all will be well.

Love,

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‘Everyone’s different’ – we’ve heard it a squillion times yet we still struggle not to be affected by the words and actions of people in our lives who we find ‘difficult’ (of course you and I are perfect and never at fault in any misunderstanding!) 

Over the years I have worked with many people who need to find a way to manage difficult relationships. I have both empathy and understanding for these people because I too have had to navigate my way forward with difficult people. I’m only referring to relationships with people who cannot easily be discarded such as partner, spouse, child, sibling, boss, colleague, coach, team mate, friend and in one particularly eccentric case, a dog (no guessing who was the difficult person in that relationship!)

Here are 5 simple strategies for dealing with or what I prefer to call ‘loving’ difficult people. I hope they’re helpful.

1. Don’t take it personally. Difficult people have difficulty dealing with feelings, theirs and others/yours.  Their behaviour is all about them and very little, if nothing to do with you so don’t take it personally – they’re just struggling to cope with themselves and the world around them. 

2. Pick your battles wisely. Before you react, take a few moments to ask yourself, is this issue really worth the battle? Most often, it’s not.

3. Seek the good.  Yes, they can be nasty, bossy and inconsiderate but they can also be very funny, caring and generous. Focus on their good points and you’ll be less reactive and less affected.

4. Ask them for insight. The hardest part about being close to a difficult person is to know how to deal with them when they’re in a mood. Best answer to this is to ask them, but please, make sure you do this when they’re not in a mood! (If this approach backfires revert to number 3!)

5. Semi-detach. No one has the power to take away your smile, unless you let them. When a difficult person is in a mood the best thing you can do is to semi-detach yourself from them so you don’t get sucked in to the negativity. Calmly tell them you’re ‘popping out for a minute’ and let them be alone with their mood while you enjoy some fresh air and good thoughts outside. 

If you’d like further help with this there’s a fabulous book which has just been released called ‘Tricky People. How to deal with horrible types before they ruin your life’. It’s by Andrew Fuller and it provides detailed explainations of all the tricky personality types and how to deal with them.

I wish you a very harmonious path forward with all the difficult people in your life and don’t forget to look in the mirror from time to time, there may just be a touch of tricky-ness in you worth loving too!

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I always feel a bit sad when I hear people (mainly women in long term relationships with children ) say they have lost their libido, they just don’t feel like sex anymore. In most cases, after some discussion it becomes apparent that they are only speaking about the act of sex itself and are completely disregarding the pure joy of intimacy which I truly believe is one of the most emotionally satsfying things we as humans can be a part of.

I am not for one minute saying  that this is easy to achieve and maintain nor am I suggesting that is is a one sided problem because it isn’t. What I’m saying is that I believe it’s important to address issues of sex and intimacy in long term relationships as soon as there’s a problem. Both couples in any long term relationship NEED to experience intimacy. If you don’t have sex, fine, that’s a different thing all together but intimacy is a must, that is what makes your relationship with each other special AND it is also meets a basic human need – to love and feel loved. The good news is that what will probably happen if you make time for intimacy is that you will have more sex and not just more frequently but more enjoyable. Not a bad result for investing a bit of time for a cuddle!

Exercise. Everyday. Go for a walk, ride your bike, go to an exercise class, take up yoga, swim, jog, play badminton, tennis, touch footy, squash, horse riding, triathlons…anything, just do something physical each day.

Eat Well. Eating junk food will not make you feel like taking your clothes off and sharing yourself with someone. It will make you feel like lying on the couch eating more junk and watching a movie about someone who is taking their clothes off and sharing themselves with someone. Eat healthy, fresh & light and your frisky side will soon wake up. 

Think good things.  The way you think about yourself determines how other people think of you. ie. If you don’t  think you are appealing don’t expect anyone else to think you’re appealing, except perhaps for those who think they’re also unappealing which won’t make for a healthy and strong relationship. If you think negatively about yourself it is essential that you take steps to shift this around because self confidence is the most important part of sexuality.

There are professionals who deal with sexual disfunction if that’s an issue but I highly recommend you start with the above. At the very least you’ll feel healthier and happier than you do today and at the very best you’ll be enjoying the most satisfying time of your intimate life. I wish all three things for you.

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I’m very passionate about intimacy, for lots of reasons. “Who isn’t!” you may ask – well lots of people unfortunately and that maybe because they have never really had the opportunity to experience the true beauty of it.

Being intimate with someone who you adore and who adores you back is one of, if not THE most incredible things we humans are privileged to experience. It provides positive energy like nothing else, it enhances self confidence like nothing else, it enlivens the spirit like nothing else and indeed it feeds the soul like nothing else on this earth. Intimacy is the best natural disease prevention, anti-ageing remedy available and it’s free! (remember we’re talking intimacy not just sex).

Intimacy saves lives – I’m sure it does. I’ve read many articles which refer to the healing powers of loving relationships, articles which prove, via statistics, that people who are in healthy intimate relati0nships live longer because they stress less and smile more. That to me is the most undeniable fact about intimacy, it makes you smile more, outside and in. Are you smiling?

The probe:

Are you in a relationship that is lacking in the intimacy department? I encourage you to address it.

Are you single and struggling with wounds from past loves? I urge you to seek help with this.

Are you single and ready for love? Please, get proactive and get out and about – lots! No one is going to knock on your door and ask you out.

And finally, if you are in a healthy intimate relationship – how often do you stop to appriciate how blessed you are?

So blessed!

PS. If bells are ringing for you and you’re not sure how to move forward please know that I’m here to help.